The Toilet Paper Problem

Dearest Toilet Paper Manufacturer Man,

I am a loyal and loving customer. I enjoy your fat rolls, fluffy feel, and incredible absorbency. The technological advances in toilet paper over the past five years have been as numerous and important as the improvements in mountain bikes, and I appreciate each one. In general, bikes and TP have each become squishier and more fun to use. Double-sized rolls turn weekly toilet-tissue-buying trips into bi-monthly excursions. The new, super soft TP is delightful to girls who spend lots of time in the saddle (you know what they say about chamois time!).

Recently, however, I've encountered a setback in my toilet paper purchasing. It seems that it's impossible to purchase a reasonably-sized, high-quality 4-roll package. These allotments were the norm several years ago, but now, it's nearly impossible to find a TP package smaller than a 24-pack of PBR that sports a fuzzy animal to illustrate just how soft and cuddly the enclosed paper really is. Huge 8- and 12-roll stacks of squeezably-soft toilet tissue hover precariously over tiny packages of thin, scratchy generic brands who still wrap four rolls to a pack.

As I stood pondering my choices with my shopping basket in my hands, my messenger bag on my back, and my dirt jumper locked in front of Albertson's, I realized that the only way to make it home with my TP, pasta sauce, soy milk, coconut-crusted shrimp, and grapefruit juice was to opt for a 4-roll package. Even the six-er wouldn't fit in my bag on its own (yes, I tried before I bought). In fact, the six-pack doesn't even fit into a grocery bag well enough to hang onto it while pedalling back to the house on a small dirt jump bike. I weighed my options, squeezed some packs, and picked the softest, fluffiest 4-pack I could find. It would not have been my first choice, but I had come to terms with the fact that it was my only choice.

Now I know that toilet paper runs will have to happen on days when I choose to ride the bus; when I can use one hand to grasp my 6- or 12-pack of wonderfully lofty toilet tissue in one hand and my grocery bag of waffles, electrical tape, chocolate milk, and refried beans in the other.

So, Mr. Toilet Paper Production Guy, I write to ask you: Could you please package your exquisitely plush paper into a reasonably small package so that single cycling girls can easily carry this precious commodity back to their commodes?

Thanks in advance!
JB